


That is Fondue for People Who Are Dead

by nosecoffee



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: College AU, Especially Laf, Everyone is so there for roasting Alex, Everyone's mad at John?, Exams, F/M, Fondue, Going undercover, M/M, Modern AU, Multi, Roasting, The Sweater Mishap tm, The mystery of why Peggy has one of JMads' sweaters, alex is overdramatic, blackmail?, punching Charles Lee, so is Laf, texting au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-02 13:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6568006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>F = FAILURE: AND THAT’S THE STORY OF HOW I JUST CRIED DURING AN EXAM.</p><p>Or</p><p>The texting AU nobody asked for, nobody needed, and took me thirty minutes to write</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Or Have No Kidney's

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. just read it. I swear it's at least kinda funny.

**The Revolutionary Chat**

**a simple turt** _sent an image_ **FONDUENIGHT.jpg**

**Baguette Butt:** how come I am never invited to Fondue Night???

**JERKules:** Laf

**JERKules:** That is fondue for people who are dead

**JERKules:** or have no kidneys. do you know how much alcohol is in that?

**a simple turt:** so much. i watched alex make that and honestly i’m a little scared myself

**Baguette Butt:** and you think I cannot hold my liquor? I am French!

**a simple turt:** ….. Wasn’t that stereotype Russian?

**Baguette Butt:** …. Yes?

**a simple turt:** and when we first met, weren’t you the one who greeted me with a kiss on the lips accompanied by slurred Latin and Hercules explaining you’d had your first margarita?

**a simple turt:** and that that first margarita was also the first drink of the night?

**Baguette Butt:** ………….

**JERKules:** ……….

**Petit Lion:** ………..

**Baguette Butt:** you come intO MY HOUSE, YOU INSULT MY MOTHER, ON THIS THE DAY OF MY DAUGHTERS WEDDING

**JERKules:** guys, I know you’re not here, but this is actually hilarious

**Baguette Butt:** I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU, JOHN LAURENS, A NICE SOUTHERN BOY WITH GOALS AND DREAMS WOULD INSULT ME AND MY REPUTATION IN SUCH A WAY

**JERKules:** gUYS THIS IS SO FUNNT IM CAKLING

**JERKules** _sent an image_ **LOOKATLAF.jpg**

**Petit Lion:** Jesus Laf, you’re typing so hard, you’re literally blurred in the picture

**Baguette Butt:** AND ALEX

**Petit Lion:** yea?

**Baguette Butt:** YOU HAVE MORE SELF ESTEEM TO BE DATING A SCUMBAG THAT WOULD MAKE FUN OF SOMEBODY JUST SO THEY WON’T WANT TO COME TO FONDUE NIGHT

**Baguette Butt:** HERCULES I’M ANGRY WITH YOU TOO

**Baguette Butt:** YOU HAVE ALL DISAPPOINTED ME, SAYONARA BETRAYERS

**Baguette Butt** _has changed the name of the conversation to_ YOU HAVE ALL BETRAYED ME ESPECIALLY JOHN HOW COULD YOU I JUST WANTED FONDUE

**Baguette Butt** _has left the conversation_

**JERKules:** ‘Baguette Butt’ has also left the room. well done guys, we’ve officially made Lafayette angry enough to leave a chat.

**Petit Lion:** jesus.

**a simple turt:**....................... So fondue?

**Petit Lion:** FONDUE!!!!!!!!!1!!!!

 

* * *

 

 

**The Squad Chat**

**Petit Lion** _has changed the name of the conversation to_ The Hamilsquad vs Exams

**Angel:** …… Hamilsquad? I’m actually almost afraid to ask.

**JERKules:** don’t even ask. They were up really late last night.

**Best of Women:** Dare I guess; Fondue Night?

**Petit Lion:** DING DING DING, MOTHERFUCKERS, WE HAVE A WINNER

**JERKules:** Yea

**a simple turt:** im homestly stil havinb truble seeing

**Angel:** We can all see that. Why hasn’t Laf interjected yet?

**JERKules:** He’s still upset.

**Best of Women:** Oh god, what did you guys do?

**JERKules** _has sent an image_ **FondueNightScreenshot.jpg**

**JERKules** _has sent an image_ **BetrayersScreenshot.jpg**

**a simple turt:** it was a harmless comment and he took it way out of proportion.

**Angel:** No offence to the French but….. Aren’t they like, I dunno, KNOWN for being way too dramatic?

**Best of Women:** Well, yeah.

**JERKules:** Leave it to Angelica to drag some sense into this situation.

**Angel:** I have to go now, but thanks for showering me with praise.

**Angel** _has left the conversation_

**Petit Lion:** I’m not sure if that was meant to be read sarcastically

**JERKules:** neither do i but I’m just gonna roll with it.

**Petit Lion** _has sent an image_ **LOOKATMYFAILURE.jpg**

**Best of Women:** oh my goodness.

**JERKules:** do i even want context?

**Baguette Butt** _has joined the conversation_

**Baguette Butt:** I heard there was Alex Roasting and I came as soon as I could

**a simple turt:** that’s what she said

**Baguette Butt:** shut ur whore mouth, Laurens, and continue to Roast Alex

**Petit Lion** _has changed their name to_ **F = FAILURE**

**F = FAILURE:** SO I WAS SHOWING OFF MY COOL CHEAT SHEET FOR THE EXAM TODAY, CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW THEY GIVE YOU AN A4 PIECE OF PAPER TO PUT DOWN SHIT ON FOR THE EXAM, AND BECAUSE PEGGY TOLD ME THAT I NEEDED TO FEEL POSITIVE ABOUT MYSELF DURING THE EXAM, I FILLED IN THE GAPS WITH NICE COMMENTS RIGHT?

**Best of Women:** oh Lord

**JERKules:** I can see where this is going

**Baguette Butt:** Go on.

**F = FAILURE:** AND I PUT DOWN NICE STUFF LIKE ‘Smile’ AND ‘Be yourself’ AND SHIT LIKE THAT AND THEN I WROTE ‘Breathe’. AND ANYWAY, I WAS SHOWING IT OFF AND I SHOWED IT TO JOHN, CAUSE YOU KNOW, HE’S MY BOYFRIEND, HE’S SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT ME RIGHT?

**a simple turt:** don’t drag me into this Roastfest.

**F = FAILURE:** AND HE LOOKS DOWN AT MY PAGE, POINTS DOWN AT MY LITTLE ‘Breathe’ AND SAYS “That says ‘breath’.” AND I’M NOW LOOKING DOWN AT THIS SAD LITTLE ‘Breath’ THINKING ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS THE E?’ AND THAT’S THE STORY OF HOW I JUST CRIED DURING AN EXAM.

**Baguette Butt:** so everyone is mad at John, non?

**Angel** _has joined the conversation_

**Smol Schuyler** _has joined the conversation_

**Smol Schuyler:** Eliza said Alex was roasting himself and we wanted to know what happened.

**JERKules:** he cried during an exam after writing ‘Breath’ on his cheat sheet instead of ‘Breathe’

**Smol Schuyler:** Ohhhhhhhhh rigggghhhhhht

**Angel:** pics or it didn’t happen

**a simple turt** _sent an image_ **CRYINGALEX#1.jpg**

**a simple turt** _sent an image_ **CRYINGALEX#2.jpg**

**a simple turt** _sent an image_ **CRYINGALEX#3.jpg**

**Smol Schuyler:** oh my god. I’ve seen everything.

**Smol Schuyler** _has left the conversation_

**F = FAILURE** _has left the conversation_

**Angel** _has left the conversation_

**Baguette Butt** _has left the conversation_

**a simple turt:** ….. So. Are you guys mad at me too? Cause it seems like everyone’s mad at me.

**Best of Women:** I don’t think I could ever be mad at you.

**JERKules:** Cut the crap, Betsey. He KNOWS.

**Best of Women:** Aw fuck.

**Best of Women** _has changed the name of the conversation to_ HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND OUT?

**Best of Women** _has changed their name to_ **HOW?**

**a simple turt:** I found out the other day. Herc had a few too many beers and I took him home to put him to bed so that he didn’t fall asleep on any needles and such and he said stuff about being so lucky to have you and how much he liked you and shit like that so I just kinda kept it to myself and mentioned it to Herc the next time I saw him which happened to be today.

**HOW?:** Is that why you dropped your phone earlier today, Herc?

**JERKules:** yep.

**HOW?:** Oh okay. Well, as long as you won’t tell anyone and will act surprised when we actually get around to telling everyone we’re dating, I guess I have no reason to be mad at you.

**HOW?** _has changed their name to_ **Best of Women**

**Best of Women** _has changed the name of the conversation to_ Why is Everybody Mad at John?

**a simple turt:** gotta go, Alex is running across the quad towards me, and he’s either gonna punch me or try and hug me and say ‘sorry’ so I’ll leave. If I die write ‘John Laurens, turtle enthusiast, cosmic boyfriend, loved by all, Southern Bell’ on my tombstone.

**a simple turt** _has left the conversation_

**JERKules:** so

**Best of Women:** That little Vietnamese place around the corner from your place, tonight?

**JERKules:** sounds good.

**Best of Women** _has left the conversation_

**JERKules** _has left the conversation_

 

 

 

****Fin.** **


	2. He Did Just Pull off a Mjor Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel: You’d have to put on an American accent. I don’t think that’s possible for you.
> 
> Baguette Butt: I am offended!
> 
> JERKules: It’s true, Laf. whenever you try it sounds like you’re pretending to be a part of the Mafia.
> 
> Baguette Butt: …….. I liked The Godfather
> 
> Best of Women: We know you did Laf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made another one!!!!!!! More Herc/Eliza in this one.
> 
> Working title was: WE HAD A SPY ON THE INSIDE THAT'S RIGHT..... JERKules Mulligan!

**The Squad Chat**

**a simple turt:** I don’t have much time to explain

**JERKules:** explain what?

**Best of Women:** John, what’s going on?

**a simple turt:** Alex got us in trouble and they’re going to confiscate our phones so i need you guys to come and bail us out of having a discussion with the Dean.

**Angel:** What did he do to get you guys in a convo w/ the Dean and your phones confiscated?

**a simple turt:** it doesn’t matter. They’re coming for me. Please, hurry.

**a simple turt** _ has left the conversation _

**Petit Lion:** SAVE US!!!!TFYSNEHNLKNBALIUER

**Petit Lion** _ has left the conversation _

**Smol Schuyler:** Do I even want to know?

**Angel:** I think I know who’d know. Gimme a sec.

**Angel** _ has left the conversation _

**Baguette Butt:** All of that was vague af

* * *

 

**Aaron Burr**

**Angel:** What did John and Alex do?

**Aaron Burr:** What exactly makes you think I’d know? -AB

**Angel:** Because you’re like the Regina George of our school. You know everything. BTW it’s really weird that you sign your messages, I know who you are. There’s no need.

**Aaron Burr:** It’s habit. I’ll stop if you want.

**Angel:** Thanks.

**Aaron Burr:** And you’re right, I do know what they did. In fact, I was present.

**Angel:** Spill. We have to go and “save” them from detention, so I may as well know what they did.

**Aaron Burr:** Alexander dared Laurens to challenge Charles Lee to a duel and when he accepted they met out on the quad and Laurens punched him in the nose so hard he broke it. Lee started crying. It was beautiful.

**Angel:** I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you give an opinion on anything. There’s something up with you. I don’t have the time rn to find out what it is but soon.

**Angel:** Soon.

* * *

 

**The Squad Chat**

**Angel** _ has joined the conversation _

**Angel:** So John and Alex are the reason Charles Lee is currently crying in hospital

**Baguette Butt:** REALLY?

**JERKules:** OMG

**Best of Women:** Oh Jesus

**Smol Schuyler:** WOOOHOOOOOO

**Angel:** So, thoughts on how to get Alex and John out of the convo w/ the Dean?

**Smol Schuyler:** Dress Laf up as Jefferson and demand that they be released?

**Baguette Butt:** I agree with this plan.

**Angel:** Yeah, I don’t think that would work.

**Baguette Butt:** why not, Angelique?

**Angel:** You’d have to put on an American accent. I don’t think that’s possible for you.

**Baguette Butt:** I am offended!

**JERKules:** It’s true, Laf. whenever you try it sounds like you’re pretending to be a part of the Mafia.

**Baguette Butt:** …….. I liked The Godfather

**Best of Women:** We know you did Laf

**Baguette Butt:** so, Hercules, what is your solution?

**JERKules:** I look a little like Jemmy Madison, right?

**Smol Schuyler:** I have something you can wear.

**Angel:** This could work.

**Baguette Butt:** There’s just one thing I require of you, if you do this.

**JERKules:** What?

**Baguette Butt:** if you’re going undercover, I want video proof of it happening.

**JERKules:** Deal

**Best of Women:** We’re heading to Peggy’s for this?

**Smol Schuyler:** My doors are open, y’all.

**Angel:** Everyone to Peggy’s. 

* * *

 

**Best of Women**

**JERKules:** Please save me from your sisters. First it was Peggy offering an outfit (Don’t ask me where she got it because you do NOT want to know), then Angelica attacked me with a hairbrush and a makeup kit saying something about “contour” and how Jemmy Madison has the “most goddamn beautiful complexion God has ever created” and now Laf is insisting that I pluck my eyebrows

**JERKules:** WHATEVER IT WAS I DID THAT YOU’RE PUNISHING ME FOR I’M SORRY

**Best of Women:** I’m on my way. I’m bringing cronuts and iced tea

**JERKules:** Peach iced tea?

**Best of Women:** Duh

**JERKules:** I love you

**Best of Women:** ………………..

**JERKules:** Was that uncalled for I’m sorry

**Best of Women:** No it’s just that’s the third time, like when I was making dinner and you walked in and was all like “Oh my god, tell me that’s chicken teriyaki” and I was like “yep” and you were like “I love you” and I just kinda played it off because you just love the food and you love the thought that i would put enough thought in to make it for you

**Best of Women:** And then the second time the other day when I- well, you know, and you were just saying stuff and it slipped out, I kinda just didn’t register it until later

**Best of Women:** And now you said that and I can’t help but wonder if you mean it

**Best of Women:** And I wonder if you mean that you love me

**JERKules:** ……. Are you alright with me meaning it this early?

**Best of Women:** …… I think I am.

* * *

 

**JERKules**

**Angel:** Can you tell me why you were watching your phone intently for a minute there and then did a happy dance in your seat?

**JERKules:** no

* * *

 

**Angel**

**Baguette Butt:** I JUST SAW WHO HERC WAS TEXTING AND YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU

**Angel:** WHO

**Baguette Butt:** EEELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Angel:** WOT

**Baguette Butt:** I KNOW

**Angel:** DID YOU SEE ANY OF THE TEXTS?

**Baguette Butt:** I DID. ONE OF THEM WAS LIKE “I can’t help wondering if you mean that you love me” AND HE WAS LIKE “.... are you alright with me meaning it this early?” AND SHE WAS LIKE “I think so” AND I JUST !!!!!!!!

**Angel:** OH MY GOD

**Angel:** “ARE YOU ALRIGHT WITH ME MEANING IT /T H I S E A R L Y/?

**Baguette Butt:** I KNOW OH MY GOD THEY ARE DATING???????

**Angel:** OR FUCKING?????? JESUS

* * *

 

** The Squad Chat **

**JERKules** _ sent an image  _ **HercToJemmy.jpg**

**JERKules:** I’m ready

**Angel:** Laf and I just delivered him to the building. Herc, turn on the camera.

**Baguette Butt:** I am so psyched for this. I’m waiting in the getaway car.

**JERKules** _ sent a video _

_ (“Alright, here I go,” His voice is heard from behind the camera he knocks on the door and the voices inside stop. _

_ The Dean opens the door and raises her eyebrows. “Mr Madison. I am in the middle of something right now, could you come back later?” _

_ “Actually, Dean, I came here for the two boys you have there.” Hercules says, and points to John and Alex who are staring at him confusedly from inside the office. _

_ “Why?” Hercules shifts and the camera shakes. _

_ “Mr Washington has requested their presence for an important - er - meeting. As soon as possible.” The Dean shakes her head. _

_ ‘They physically assaulted a student, I cannot let them out simply because a History professor needs to give them an assignment notice.” Hercules shifts his weight again. _

_ “May I remind you, though you are the Dean and you have more power than him, Professor Washington has been here for much longer than you, has more power over the school board than you, and you are withholding two promising students from him. Yes, they did wrong, and deserve punishment, but Washington can deliver it. Now,” John and Alex in the background look shocked. “Can you please release those two?” _

_ The Dean wordlessly opened the door wider and let Alex and John out. “Can we have our phones back?” Alex asked and the the Dean handed them their phones. _

_ They turned around and walked away. _

_ “Wow, James, didn’t think you had it in you,” John hit him in the shoulder. _

_ “Actually,” Hercules says, as they exited the building, but he doesn’t finish because suddenly Thomas Jefferson is rushing towards him. _

_ “Jemmy! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” John and Alex step away. _

_ Thomas reached him and looked him up and down. “I haven’t seen you wear that sweater in ages, Jemmy. I thought you said you lost it?” _

_ “Yeah, I did but I found it.” Hercules answers as the screen freezes and the video ends.) _

**Baguette Butt:** NOOOOOO IT CAN’T END LIKE THAT! WHAT HAPPENS?

**Petit Lion** _ has joined the conversation _

**a simple turt** _ has joined the conversation _

**Petit Lion:** It’s alright, you guys don’t have to come and get us, surprisingly, Jemmy Madison saved us.

**Baguette Butt:** ANGELIQUE, CAN YOU SEE THEM?

**Angel:** ELIZA JUST RAN OUT TO THEM, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON

**a simple turt:** Wait, Eliza just ran in, she’s running towards Jemmy?

**Petit Lion** _ sent a video _

_ (“Why is Eliza here?” Alex’s voice says behind the camera and the camera focuses on Thomas and hercules standing a few steps away. Eliza runs into frame and puts her hand on Hercules’ shoulder. _

_ Thomas looks dumbfounded and Alex and John step closer to hear the conversation. “Did it work?” Eliza asks and Hercules nods. _

_ She smiles at him and stretches up on her tip-toes to kiss him. “OH MY GOD!” Alex shrieks. _

_ “WHY IS ELIZA KISSING JEMMY MADISON?” John yells. “WITH TONGUE?” _

_ Thomas looks shocked, and faints a moment later. Eliza breaks the kiss and looks down at him, laughing. _

_ “We should leave now.” She says and the camera freezes, the video ending.) _

**Petit Lion:** ELIZA WHAT THE FUCXK

**a simple turt:** ELIIIIIIIIZA WHY DID YOU KISS JEMMY MADISON IS THERE SOMETHING YOU HAVEN’T TOLD US

**Angel:** GUYS

**Angel:** THAT’S NOT JEMMY MADISON

**Angel:** THAT WAS HERC. WE PUT HIM UNDERCOVER TO GET YOU GUYS OUT

**Smol Schuyler:** *I AM LEGIT SCREAMING RN*

**Baguette Butt:** YOU OWE ME FIVE DOLLARS, ALEX

**a simple turt:** oh wow now that i know it was actually hercules i am so much more shocked golly gee oh wow

**Petit Lion:** YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME JOHN????? HOW COULD YOU???? I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!!

* * *

 

**JERKules**

**Best of Women:** I kinda blew it, didn’t I?

**JERKules:** Yeah, but I don’t mind. You made Thomas jefferson faint and that is amazing.

**JERKules:** I love you

**Best of Women:** I love you too

* * *

 

** The Squad Chat **

**Baguette Butt:** WHY AREN’T THEY ANSWERING MY TEXTS???!!!THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!

**a simple turt:** Herc did just pull off a major heist. They’re probably having victory sex.

**Angel** _ has kicked  _ **a simple turt** _ from the conversation _

 

 

 

 

****Fin.** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, please leave a comment or kudos and stalk me on Tumblr @nose-coffee (leave me a prompt if you'd like). Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> So that's it. I might write another chapter, but for now, that's all there is and I hope you enjoyed it. My Tumblr is @nose-coffee, I take prompts and kudos and comments give me life. Thanks for reading!


End file.
